Ahem.
So my great grandmother passed away this past week. She was ninety seven and beating up nurses right up until her time came. She was amazing that way and in all of my memories of her I never remember her being angry or mean to anyone. (except the nurses I just mentioned...I think she bit one...) She was a person who sincerely seemed perfectly content with whatever came her way and I never heard a complaint from her... about anything!
I know funerals are not supposed to be a time for fun and cutting up, but I must say (in the most not-morbid way possible) that I hope that for the people who attend my funeral they will be brought closer to the members in their family as I was during these days. I had a lot of fun during the time I was not in the actual funeral, and I think that is the way it should be.
Well, I will put it out there that I don't wish that people bond the way I accidentally let myself turn into a drunk, obnoxious monster, but yeah.
Truth be told, I was very embarrassed at myself for how out of control I let myself become and I am writing this blog as an outlet in a way so I can let go and forget about that terrible tuesday. Its my stupid aunt's fault anyway. She's stupid. We will call her Tardface.
annnyway,,,,
We started off the day at Julie Darling donuts, a cute little place with donuts that will kill you if you give them some time. We met Tardface's friend Lynda there and we all conversated and jokeinated and ate strange donuts. Lynda's son came to have some donuts. (we will call him JewBaby) At this point in my trip, I did not realize that we were kindred spirits, but alas. I tried a bacon donut with him and at this point in my trip, I did not realize what a huge mistake that was, but alas.
We left Julie Darling's and hippity hopped around and looked at schtuff and more schtuff. It was nice. We ate at the Pickle Barrel, a nostalgic sandwich spot for my mother and then we hippity hopped out way back to the hotel to get ready for visitation.
I was already in a weird mood during visitation because my mother's new husband (we will call him Grandpa Sweetums) was making fun of all the Jesus Pictures in the Hallway..along with everything else he could see. He found one picture especially amusing and he will probably mention it in days to come. Let me show you!:
It is Jesus healing the liberty bell... while sitting on the constitution with an eagle planning an attack on his head. Grandpa Sweetums was just fascinated by this patriotic masterpiece and when JewBaby showed up unexpectedly, this is the first thing I drug him to see. He was suitably amused and impressed. These are little details that allow him to be a kindred spirit.
We floated back to the visitation room after looking at all the inappropriately amusing things in the building. Tardface wasn't any less behaved. She saw a chair that was taller than the others in the room and to her, this was a prop so she could amuse the family. I am not entirely sure what her mind saw the chair being, but when she sat on the chair and made a distressed face and grabbed her stomach and her hindparts, I saw the tall chair as being her toilet throne.
I really don't know what goes on in her head to make her do things, but I find them to be quite amusing most of the time, so godspeed Tardface! Keep up the good work. Thank you for being a fountain of inappropriate entertainment for me. I need that kind of stuff.
anyway.
Someone got hungry and I offered to go down to the grocery store and buy food for the fam! I don't care if its cold and raining in the mountains and that I am wearing a skirt and flipflops! I'm bigger than the environment! I will trek down and bring nourishment to my people at whatever cost! I will make the journey for my family no matter how the cold will slash my flesh!
"Or I could drive you" JewBaby says.
Oh, word?!
"ok!"
And off we go! The drive was about thirty seconds long and when I stepped out of his car in the Food Lion parking lot, a middle aged man was pushing a shopping cart full of toilet paper right in front of me. JewBaby was still in his car messing with a paper or something so I just back in frantically because this was important.
"Oh my Lord, look at this dude's buggy when you get out! Hurry! Look! Ahahahahaha what's his problem dang what in the world that must suck to have whatever he has I wonder if he is okay dang thats gross he doesn't even have any food....thats all toilet paper, the devil"
It was at this point in the night that I realized I was more hyper than I usually am and I was talking nonstop about friggin nothing.
We get into the store and I don't know what people want on their dang sandwiches so I play it safe and just get meat to make sure I don't buy something that people don't like. Everyone wants meat on their sandwich...so yeah...that's the safest route. We walk to the bread isle and a couple are walking in our direction as we are walking in theirs. We stop two three feet in front of each other and do the "which way are you going to step?" dance. I keep the dance going by sort of jumping in front of them when they try to get out of the way. I laugh and jump and jump and dance and they don't laugh so I stop.
JewBaby says nothing. Poor guy! He seems shy and I am bringing attention to him with my idiotic shenanigans. Oh well, I can't help it.
Come on people.
We pay for the sandwich bread and meat and off we go! Off to provide nourishment for the family! Thirty seconds later we are back and no one is really wanting a plain ass sandwich like I had hoped. They want condiments. Of course they do! So I have to go back to the stupid store later with Grandpa Sweetums because JewBaby left to go do something psh.
Grandpa Sweetums humored me by saying he would walk with me down to the store down the dangerous, busy, hilly road in the night cold and rain! Thank you Grandpa Sweetums! Halfway down the hill I forgot that I hurt my knee doing something dumb but I didn't say anything because I finally had someone to walk with me. We get into the store looking beat up and cold...because we are and we get in the checkout behind a dude paying with food stamps. He looks in better shape than we do in my opinion. This is mildly ironically funny to me.
"Oh! We almost forgot the ice!" Grandpa Sweetums reminded me.
"Man, are you serious!? We have to carry a bag of ice back to the funeral home what in the world were we thinking oh my lord we are so dumb oh wait nevermind that was all my fault because I wanted to walk so my bad I'm sorry, I'll carry it, my bad."
I don't remember Grandpa Sweetum's response because I was too busy rambling on about something, but I never stopped talking the whole night.
WE can do this! We are not weeny girls! We will carry groceries and ice up the wet, cold hill at night! We walk around the building and a car pulls up to us. It's foodstamp man.
"Ay, ya'll wanna ride?"
Oh Lord, really? Scuzzy foodstamp man wants to help us because we look poor as a mug and to' up and cold. Foodstamp man got more irony points. We declined his offer. Man! maybe I'm walking because I want to walk! Does no one want to walk ever? Maybe I want to walk in the cold in a skirt carrying ice in the dark with a hurt knee while struggling to see, you don't know! Leave me alone! And plus I'm mad that you have food stamps, go away. Plus your probably a serial killer because you're a single white man in Tennessee who drives a pickup truck and your on foodstamps. I can't help it, its what the statistics say. Scuzzy man, psh.
We get back safely without the help of serial killer food stamp man and the family ate an extravagant feast of maybe one sandwich with mustard on it. Spoiled family psh! I didn't want a sandwich and it was a good thing because that is when I noticed it. Jewbaby had a stethescope....and I wanna listen to people's insides. I stare at the stethescope and he notices me looking at it. I ask if I can see the thing. And he hands it over.
WOOoOOo SteThhhEsCoppe!!! let's listen to something! My dear, sweet mother is the closest to me so I put the hearing end of the thing up to her throat. She gives me a WTF look and I think that is just hilarious. I tried to tell her the instructions to the game I just made up...but I was wheezing a bit too much to get it out on my first attempt.
"Say a word inside of your mouth but don't open your mouth because I'm not supposed to hear the word out loud, I have to try to see if this think can hear what your saying!"
Her WTF look changes into a WTF look mixed with a look of indignation and she covers her mouth and does what I ask. The sound she makes is like she is choking. I completely lose it. It's the best game ever at the moment and I keep telling her to say different words. Each new choking sound makes me double over and then it is time to leave the visitation room. Jewbaby takes his stethescope back and that is when I learn that my people are going to a place called the Terminal........
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